haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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