dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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