The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
