my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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