stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Still dying that you shit outside
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
