he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We are two peas in an std pod
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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