I will die if light touches me.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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