The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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