HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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