I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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