...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
