You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
ttyl tear gas
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
