dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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