you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
