apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
