Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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