I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
