I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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