I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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