After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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