he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
