i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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