Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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