It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
