if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
