o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That accounts for only three of the penises
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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