dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
