Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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