I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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