I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
