The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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