I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
