I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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