its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
