i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
we made out on top of his cat.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
