No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
