3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
