I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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