dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
