Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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