Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
