Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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