never play flip cup with pint glasses
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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