There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
