I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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