So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i would punch a child for taco bell
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
