I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
