I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
