the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I have tasted many bathrooms
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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