If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
