just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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